I know this isn’t a condition that’s commonly discussed.
A) Because it’s so uncomfortable.
B) Because I just made it up.
Of course, there’s lots of talk about “empty nests.”
But trust me, you don’t need to be sending a kid off to college to feel that deep, hollow ache of “NOW WHAT?” echoing through your soul.
You can experience Empty “Next” Syndrome (ENS) after a birth, a death, a move, a milestone, a breakup, a breakdown, a success. a failure, a change, a challenge or any random act of reality. I first became aware of this condition in January.
I began the New Year full of energy and a to-do list a mile long: Work on blog, edit videos, start book, blah-blah-blah.
THEN, LIFE HAPPENED.
In the most heart-aching, soul-shaking, stress-making way.
I’ll spare you the details, but it’s been the stuff of sleepless nights. And nightmare days.
For months, I’ve been stuck in the muck of drama and trauma, agonizing and strategizing.
Blog schmog.
Most days, I couldn’t even face the grocery store.
In time, when the drama and trauma subsided a bit, I sat down to start writing.
I tried. And I tried. And I tried.
But I was totally at a loss for words. (Which is pretty rare for me.)
I panicked. If I couldn’t even write a single blog post, how could I make my bigger visions soar?
Day after day, staring at the blank screen, it finally hit me.
WE ARE NOT MACHINES.
When our circuits are blown by a crisis, a challenge or a change in our lives, we can’t just flick a switch and start functioning like nothing happened.
And when you’re a do-er, a fixer and an accomplisher, like so many of us are programmed to be, this can be a major shock to our systems. I kept trying to “pull myself up by the bootstraps,” “to get back on the saddle” and to “put on a happy face.”
BUT NONE OF THOSE CLICHES WORKED. HERE’S WHAT DID:
I gave up.
After dozens of attempts (and tirades about what a loser I am), I stopped trying to come up with clever tips for navigating Empty Next Syndrome.
Instead, I lit a candle, planted my feet on the ground and took some deep breaths right into my heart.
Then, I imagined an electrical switch on my brain and turned it to OFF.
Next, I envisioned a switch on my heart, and turned to ON.
I asked the universe, “How can I help others who are struggling with Empty Next Syndrome?”
Instead of avoiding the void, I went into it.
OUT OF THE EMPTINESS, THESE WORDS EMERGED:
You suffer from the belief that the only way to move forward is in a straight line.
Instead, try thinking of your life as a spiral.
With the goal of going deeper, , rather than further, you’ll find much more peace in your heart.
This cultural preoccupation with “Next” has you hurrying through life with a grocery cart, trying to stuff it full of everything on your list.
When you choose to trust that everything happening in its perfect time and that standing still is its own sacred movement, you’ll be free.
And discover things far beyond the confines of a list.
What if instead of seeing yourself stuck in the muck of nothingness, you believed you were pregnant with possibilities.
What if you viewed the empty times as rests between musical phrases.
Or the white space in a vibrant painting.
Or the pause of punctuation in the run-on-sentence of your life.
If you can accept the concept that life here on earth is a classroom, then this so called “Empty Next Syndrome” is a much-needed vacation.
Give yourself permission to rest, to restore, to rejuvenate, to recalibrate, to reclaim and to revisit Who You Are.
Let go of what has been. Allow the new form to come in.
THE PRESENTS OF PRESENCE.
I’m not sure exactly where those words came from.
Whether it’s from my Heart, my Soul or my Inner Dragonfly, I do know that this message is meant for you as well as me.
We all have access to deep wisdom and healing if we’re willing to delve into the discomfort of not knowing.
Of course, when our lives are broken open, it’s human nature to look for a cure in the outside world,
No matter what you’re going through, I hope that instead of looking for a way out of Empty Next Syndrome, you’ll find the fullness within.
Honoring the space between What Was and What Will Be, allows us to find the gifts of What Is.
If you or someone you love is dealing with ENS, I promise you’re not alone.
Feel free to share your thoughts, your feelings or to just say “hi” in the comment section below.
I’ve missed you all so much.
And thank you for the gift of letting me share my Inner Dragonfly with you.
xoxWendi
Wendi,
What you have said is so profound and reverberates in so many endless situations and different instances. Thank you so much for helping me to remember to ‘get on track’ in a true way.
I have missed you too and wondered where you were. I am so glad to hear you and your beautiful wisdom once again.
Lainey
Dear Lainey,
Now that I see you here, all feels right with the world.
I feel like I’ve been pregnant with these concepts for way more than 9 months. And it has been heavy carrying them around. What ia relief to bring them out in the world. And have them received so lovingly by you.
Big hugs and much gratitude,
Wendi
Rock on Wendi! You speak a powerful truth here.
Receptive surrender… doing by being… Trusting in a path that offers more than a straight line… These are much needed ways for us women to know and be and step into what’s next after “rupture”.
Thank you for this beautiful share!
XO Sierra
Sierra, this means so much coming from you.
Yes, it takes radical trust to delve into these depths. And helps so much to have the support of our sisters.
With much love,
Wendi
Thanks Wendi for a much needed explanation in the world of what we go through. I’ve been through a very similar experience, my Mom died in October at the age of 96. That precipitated the challenges, questions and difficulty I’ve been living with since December. I’ve not been able to do any of what I thought I’d do with my business. In fact, after giving up, I decided rather than continuing to feel like I’m pushing a boulder up a mountain with my business, I’m giving it up and returning to sales. Which I’m actually excited about. I can’t wait to get back in the world and interact with people on a daily basis rather than sit at my computer and stare into the void fearful of going forward, staying stuck, and not able to do anything but fret. I hear you as well on the sleepless nights. I’ve written very similar “words of wisdom” from my dominant hand. We are in a spiral and things can get messy but it can also be a time of birthing new ways of looking at the world. I’l stop for now but just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your words/wisdom!
Peg Conley
Thank you, Peg for your loving support.
It sounds like you are emerging from some deep, dark struggles with the light of a new direction.
I wish you ease and grace on this next part of your journey,
Wendi
Deep and light. Wise and true.
Thank you, Rochelle.
As you know, I’ve been in labor a long time with this baby.
Thank you for being such a brilliant midwife.
I love you with all my heart,
Wendi
Great blog post!! Much wisdom that can only come from experiencing difficulties in our life. Glad that you seem to be healing from your painful time.
Yes, I believe every struggle comes with a gift.
And in this case, my gift is hearing this from you.
Blessings,
Wendi
So good to hear from you again. I too am facing a very dark nightmare. In April 2014 I lost my daughter to a tragic accident. I never thought to put the words “empty nest” to such a tragedy, but it’s really true an “empty nest” can come in many different ways. I thought the day I sent her off to college was the beggining of my “empty nest” syndrom only to now realize I’m facing a second version of this syndrome. I am facing that hollow ache of “NOW WHAT”? My soul is ready to get back to the human race again. Love and light to you!
Dear Trish, I am so deeply sorry to hear this. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. I just recently came in contact with a phenomenal organization called Grief Haven in L.A. created by a mother who lost her daughter. I would imagine that it would be comforting to be part of a community, helping each other to fill the emptiness.I know what you mean about your soul wanting to be back in the human race. That group or one like it might be a good place to start. Sending love and light right back to you.
Wendi,
Thank you for the resource. I’m always looking for sisters in this “club” no one wants to join because the pain is too deep and the cost too high. I’ll be checking this group out for sure. Thanks for your amazingness!
Dear Trish,
Yes, I understand all too well what you mean by that kind of club.
But I believe there are no accidents.
I was just recently contacted by Grief Haven to possibly speak at an event they are having.
And synchronistically heard from you the very next day.
I hope that you find connection and support there.
With love and prayers,
Wendi
Wendi, this blog is brilliant! It came at the perfect time. Thank you for sharing from the depth of your heart. It takes courage to share with others what you’ve been going through and turn it into something that will help others in their healing and expansion. You are the Mother DragonFly!
I love you,
Tabby
p.s. Some of my favorite lines in your blog …
When our circuits are blown by a crisis, a challenge or a change in our lives, we can’t just flick a switch and start functioning like nothing happened.
And when you’re a do-er, a fixer and an accomplisher, like so many of us are programmed to be, this can be a major shock to our systems.
Oh Tabby, Thank you for this. It’s a little scary to write from such a deep place and release it out into the world. When it is received with such open-hearted resonance, it tells me that I’ve done the right thing. And it feels so good to know that we’re all in this together.
With much love and gratitude,
Wendi
You are a fabulous writer and your posts are remarkably heartwarming.
Hi Wendy,
I just “found” you accidentally today. Thinking it wasn’t really an “accident” though! 🙂 I am so glad to have found you and your site, it feels as if you are speaking right through me.
I am about to be sixty, in September, so of course thinking what’s next or what now. I have had loss of my mother, my job, our home in another state and now my husband of 40yrs and I are here in LA being helped and semi supported by our son for the past year and still cannot find a job even though I am more than qualified. I think there is alot of ageism, but perhaps it like you said it is time to stop and take a breath and let what is gone, go and accept that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
Your line “When our circuits are blown by a crisis, a challenge or a change in our lives, we can’t just flick a switch and start functioning like nothing happened.” really resonated with me. Thank You for being who you are and sharing your stories with us, who need to hear them in order to hear ourselves. with love, Joy
What a JOY to hear from you. Yes, I strongly believe there are no accidents. I really needed to hear what you wrote here—today of all days–when I finally sat down to outline my book. To know that what I wrote touched you means the world to me. I can tell you first hand, that there is magic hidden in the uncomfortable muck that you are experiencing. Just give yourself some loving care and sweet patience so it can emerge. I am so glad we found each other. And now that I’m on the other side of 60, I can honestly tell you it is a very expansive and JOY-filled time. xoxWendi
Wendi, You and your blog are amazing.
I am very pleased to have discovered you.
Thank you.
Wendy
Dear Wendy, First of all, I like your name :))) And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for you kind words. With soaring gratitude, Wendi